The Sarky Blog
Business writing help in the style of my blog. It’s funny (and filthy) and you won’t be bored and you’ll learn loads about SEO, content writing and freelancing.
Wanna get content like this in the mail?
BREAKING: digital marketing agency Not Like Other Girls
Oh, pa-lease. Are you kidding me, Not Like Other Girls? You’re wondering what grumpy perspective I have for you this time, you might already have a fair idea of what I’m going to beat my drum about but if you haven’t, stay a while, this won’t take long. (That’s a lie. My blog posts are always long.) Do you do…
Web traffic is useless if it’s unqualified
What I’m about to say is controversial—vulgar, even but here goes… you want money. You ok, hun? Take a seat if you need to—compose yourself. Yes, you’ve had quite a shock. Here you are, running a business to make friends and build relationships. Sure, Leslie, you can do both of those things but let’s not pretend that making cash isn’t…
Mark Twain doesn’t like the word ‘very’ (so don’t use it, Mark)
Mark Twain doesn’t like the word ‘very’. He *really* hates qualifiers: “Words like ‘really’ and ‘very’ are rarely useful… substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.” What a caution he is! Listen, if Mark feels that strongly about ‘really’ and ‘very’ then seriously,…
Should content writers launch a Luddite rebellion against ChatGPT?
Post updated, May 2023. You’re probably too young to remember the Luddites. I’m not talking about the 11-piece folk orchestra but the group of disgruntled textile workers who went around smashing up the machinery that made them redundant. This caper began in the 1800s (and no, even I’m not old enough to remember that). The concern that new technology will…
Prospects lie when they say you’re a perfect fit
Hey, freelancer—business owner! Let’s cut to the giblets: prospects lie. Don’t believe me? Read this article, it’s written just for you, like almost EVERYTHING I write (except for the article Eating ass is hardly ever planned, that baby is universal). Ok, Karen, not all prospects lie but ‘Prospects lie (some don’t and some tell lies when they’re protecting people they…
Your blog is blah: 6 ways to blog better
Is your blog a bit of a jerk? In its defence, it may not know it is. Perhaps no one was around to teach it. Maybe it’s a latchkey blog: it comes and goes as it pleases, without guidance and no fucks given. So how can you blog better? What I’m really saying is how can you WRITE better? Because…
Personal brand: what fresh bollocks is this?
Here we go again. Another marketing bandwagon to get all fired up about. Just as bile rises, so too does the personal brand. Yes, I get the irony, I am about to board the bandwagon of complaining about the new bandwagon. Marketing gets a bad rap. (I sense I’m losing you, please, bear with.) It can be kinda dishonest and…
Selling is dead! All you need now is your personality! (Jesus wept)
Things keep dying, have you noticed? Last time it was blogging and this time it’s selling. We’re here because I got triggered by a clickbaity social media post. Anyway, just forget about selling. Your personality will shift products now because SELLING IS DEAD! Last night I had a dream that I was Keith Allen. Well, actually, I was still me,…
Just be you: is it that easy in business?
Just be you, no seriously, just. be. you. But can you run a business and still be true to who you are? In short, yes, absolutely. (That was easy, we can all go home.) And if you’re a normal-ish person, you’ll have a pretty easy time being you, no matter what you’re doing. But if you’re a bit off-kilter, things…
Make sales with content (why else bother with it?)
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say you want your business to make money. I’m going to make the further wild assumption that any investment you fork out for should bring in the cash. So it makes sense that you’d like, very muchly, to make sales with content because seriously, why else would you bother with it? Content can mean anything. In this…
Content writing: the ONLY reason to get hot for it
If you’ve read my stuff before you know all there is to know about content writing. Shit, I bet you could write a book about it. But I wonder if you really know, like REALLY bloody know how it helps your business—not some theoretical company but YOUR little concern. Me, blathering on about the joys of content (in my obnoxious way) isn’t enough.…
Blogging is dead: the lie that won’t die
Maybe you’re never gonna ride the blog train. That might be for a few reasons but it could be because you’ve heard blogging is dead. That statement has no basis in fact. It is yet another squirt from the marketing shit fountain. And it’s usually from folks that dislike reading / can’t write good / most certainly know fuck all about blogging. But even SEOs…
Social selling: more business bullshit to buy into
Ok before I start moaning again let’s define what the eff I’m talking about. What is social selling? Hootsuite reckons it’s this: “Think of social selling as modern relationship-building. Actively connecting with potential customers on social media can help you be the first brand a prospect considers when they’re ready to make a purchase. And it can replace outdated relationship-building and…
Ideal client: that bitch is me
You’re not at all surprised that I am my own ideal client. To you it’s beyond obvious and yet it comes as quite a revelation to me. Yeah, seriously, I can hardly believe what an idiot I have been. And what a time-saving hack! Don’t you see it’s perfect? And for a lazy person (of which I am) it’s positively…
The ‘dangers’ of humour in business copy
So humour in business copy is a no-go, yeah? I’ll be really sad if you’re someone who agrees with that statement. Please do stop reading if you are, you’ll only be disappointed. I was dragged into a LinkedIn discussion over the weekend. (I really need to get a life, one that’s filled with fun, boozy brunches and sexy men.) I…
3 things Aristotle nailed about brilliant copywriting
Ancient philosophy and brilliant copywriting are not things you’d expect to be spliced together. The title of this blog might hint at the fact that I struggled to kick my perfectly formed arse into gear after the festivities. It sounds like I’ve gone mental (more mental). I promise this will make sense and that’s why I encourage you to read…
Denise is the worst prospect and here’s why
If you sign up for this guff, you know I like to pluck a retro name out of the air and create a persona. In this case, Denise: the worst prospect ever to cast a shadow over my inbox. See, she’ll never hire me. To referred prospects like Denise, I’m just another unimaginative SEO content writer. (How bloody dare she!)…
What does engaging content even mean?
“Just write engaging content, do that.” I saw a post from one of my LinkedIn connections about this (yeah, Linkedin, I’m hella cool). This rather astute (salty AF connection, yes, I’m in love) was bemoaning the overuse of the word ‘engaging’. She went on to say that almost no one defines what it means when it comes to marketing. She’s…
Specialist vs generalist is a stanky red herring
There’s a whole lotta talk around the subject of specialist vs generalist. People get bent outta shape about… wait for it… niching. Those hostile to the ways of the niche often describe themselves as generalists. These folks don’t wish to be tied down to one industry—they’re free bloody spirits, yeah! If you feel like niching would clip your business wings,…
What the hell is pillar content and why do you need it?
Pillar content sounds monumental, doesn’t it? The phrase has got me thinking of content like a towering structure of biblical proportions. Huge. Immense. Gargantuan. Erect… Blimey. Typing that made me a bit sweaty. It’s called that because it supports other content. Yeah, doesn’t sound nearly as impressive now, does it? And it’s still kinda vague.
Stop murdering your copy with clichéd phrases
Oi, business owner! You can’t hide, I can still see you (and your clichéd phrases). If it makes you feel better, most businesses barf up hackneyed lines all over their website. But why? Without doing extensive research (I’m so lazy), I can’t answer definitively but you can have my opinion based on my experience as a business writer as to…
Content writing and copywriting: your website needs both
Some of us are too busy to care about the difference between content writing and copywriting. I’m not at all busy. I hate being busy. Charge more, do less. Fuck. Yes. Most people running a business (busy or not) don’t know (and don’t care) about the endless debate between content writing vs copywriting. It bores the living shit outta me too, tbh. …
Dear potential clients: I don’t want to collaborate
Ooh, get me, sounding all salty and putting off potential clients. You may be wondering what’s crawled up my backside this time—Christ, how long have you got? Metaphorically speaking, obvs. Hear me out. You might not agree with what I have to say (I can live with that) but before you throw the freelancer’s code of conduct at me, read…
Social media engagement vs quality leads
I don’t get a lot of social media engagement. Yes, I am a bitter, forty-something woman who yearns to boost her own fragile ego with comments and likes, especially as her physical currency declines. And there’s nothing quite so terrifying as watching your collagen deplete and hairs grow evermore abundant from your nostrils. But would all that ego-stroking engagement help…
Learn to write business content like a psychopath
It’s a metaphor. There is a connection between how you learn to write business content and psychopathy, I promise. Do you ever read something and think, I’m sorry, what? I don’t just mean this post title but other stuff, on the socials and the like? Sure you do. Before I go into one, it’s right to acknowledge that different methods…
Write a business blog that won’t bore YOU shitless
OK. I’m laying it all on the goddam table: most business blogs are terrible. I urge you to write a business blog that isn’t dull AF. Because my friends, they often suck harder than an experienced sex worker. And I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking, “Has she lost her fucking mind? All she does is talk about blogging for…
Are your customers stupid? No, they’re probably lazy
Some might be but most of them are just lazy. And once you appreciate that, you’ll unlock some knowledge about how to best serve them. But before we talk about your stupid (lazy) clients, we need to talk about content indexing.
Freelancers: 3 lies about working for free
I very rarely get people asking me to work for nothing. When I do, all I hear is someone telling me fibs. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Personally, I think hindsight is useless. Having to wait until after a thing has happened to then realise it was a bad idea, is no way to live your life. “In hindsight, having…
Honesty in business: is it the best policy?
If you’re running a drug cartel, honesty in business may not be your biggest priority. Your entire operation is built on deception. Telling a few lies might actually keep you from being executed—buying you some much-needed time until you can find your way out of a sticky situation. And being forced to dig your own grave in the heart of…
SEO vs PPC fight! What’s the difference?
SEO vs PPC. Do we have to choose? I hate making choices, especially when the options provided will give me the same outcome. Like taking crystal meth or crack, either way, I’m going to feel that soaring hit of dopamine. Disclaimer: I don’t do drugs and I do not condone the doing of drugs. Something weird went down online (bad-weird…
8 types of SEO to know for your business
Most things in life are rarely straightforward. SEO is sort of the same. It’s an area of marketing that has different aspects to it. You might want to find out about those aspects before booking someone for something you don’t know much or anything about. I often get DMs that go something like this: “I notice you do SEO. I…
What is SEO content writing? 6 things to know
Looks like I skipped writing that key blog post What is SEO content writing at the start of my career. Pretty fundamental to what I do, right? Yeah, I’m a schmuck. To add to the confusion, I sometimes talk about copywriting—I know, all you want is some goddam clarity! OK, let me start by clearing that up. There is a…
Smash your keywords with customer intent
This screams ‘technical’ and ‘really fucking hard’. Not so, at least, not the way I’m going to show you. You understand keywords, those tasty terms that get you found on the interwebs. You’ve probably made some piss-poor attempt to ‘research’ your industry keywords in the vain hope you’ll be found. Bless you. What is customer intent? Customer intent is the…
Content creation: attract clients by pleasing yourself
I know what you’re thinking, this is total bullshit. Content creation is about giving your clients what they want, right? It’s always about the client. There isn’t a day that goes by when the client doesn’t come before everything: your own child (in my case, dog), your personal safety—in essence, your actual life. “Bitch, don’t you dare deviate from your…
Learn to unlock your long-tail keywords
For those, a little in the dark, let’s start with the basics. What are long-tail keywords (LTKs)? LTKs are detailed words and phrases that describe exactly what you offer. The organic traffic you get from them is less but it’s the right kind of traffic. If you’ve spent loads of time focusing on general (broad) competitive keywords, chances are, they’ll…
SEO copywriting and content writing: my process
In truth, this post is to remind me what the hell I’m doing as an SEO copywriter and content writer. It’s also to help those who might hire me. If that isn’t you, go and do something else. Putting the ‘writing’ into SEO copywriting and content writing. Forget about SEO for just one moment and let’s talk about words. I’m…
5 bad client traits and how to deal with them
Awful potential customers will reveal their bad client traits before you decide to work with them. They won’t hide their behaviour because they’re oblivious to it. They also don’t see how their actions can be perceived as bad. Like sociopaths, they don’t know that they are one (nor would they care if they did). Just when you thought being unprofessional…
Great content writing is like great sex
Great content writing AND sex? I know I’m on such thin ice with you. If you’ve subscribed to my newsletter, you might be waiting for an excuse to unsubscribe. You don’t need one, if you hate how I write, please do us both a favour and leave. Great content writing and sexual attraction. Remember that time when Richard just ‘got…
Swearing in business: what’s the f*ckin’ problem?
Swearing in business. Not this old chestnut again. Yes, I know, but I don’t feel I’ve fully exorcised this demon. As Father Merrin stands by my bedside shouting, “the blood of Christ compels you!” I vomit this: I too, am getting tired of talking about it. Swearing follows me wherever I go. Like a demonic possession, I can’t shake off.…
E-A-T: The SEO principle that feeds your prospects
I seem to love dull subjects. Perhaps I view it as a challenge, a sort of, “how interesting/funny/rude can I make this boring topic?”. Sadly this has nothing to do with food, which is a shame because I love to eat.
Business blog right: don’t get Barry in HR to do it
Getting Barry in HR to write your business blog is like Queen booking a karaoke singer after Freddie died. I think we know what a disaster that would have been. Don’t get me wrong, there are some great karaoke singers (myself included). To assume a pub singer has all that’s required to perform those kinds of songs to a stadium…
4 Reasons NOT to hire an SEO Content Writer
There are probably more than 4 reasons not to hire an SEO content writer—correction: there are more than 4 reasons not to hire me. And if you want to know them all, check this blog post out. I hope, by now, you understand that content is your best friend in terms of organic traffic. And SEO content writing is all…
Rip up the rule book of business copy
I tried to put a lid on my personality when I started writing my business copy. I thought I needed to be something else in order for serious and important grown-ups to buy from me. I’m talking about the business I own. What a complete cock. I dunno about you but I’m tired of hearing what is and isn’t acceptable in business,…
9 free ways to get organic traffic to your site
If you have a website then you’ll want to get organic traffic, despite the term sounding a bit vegan. Organic traffic simply means visitors landing on your site through a web search and not via a paid ad. It’s the long-term way people find you on the web. Don’t misunderstand me, free traffic doesn’t mean free to you. You’ll either…
Long-form writing: the long game to attraction
If you were hoping for a guide on how to get laid, I have no idea how you do that. This article is about long-form writing and how it calls like a siren to your prospects.
Solve client problems with your blog
Your job as a business owner is to solve client problems. Not only are you doing that with your products and services but you should be doing it with your blog.
Writing Style Guide: create your own
Most freelancers and small business owners have no ruddy clue what a writing style guide is. In short, it’s a writing standard by which an organisation communicates its message. Big corporations hire more than one writer so they have to make sure their content looks and sounds the same.
6 things to crack business content writing
When I first wrote this article we were in the grip of covid. Life was weird then. I spent most of my time drinking pints of gin and crying in the toilet. Anyway, back to business content writing. Before you go to town on your blurb, know this: anyone can learn to write content. It’s not brain surgery which also…
Write an SEO-friendly blog people yearn to read
An SEO-friendly blog people yearn to read… bleurgh! Sounds like an oxymoron—sounds outmoded—sounds like utter bullshit—sounds like I should be on Give Us a Clue, with the much-missed Lionel Blair. Not only does a readable SEO blog seem contradictory but it also seems boring, very square and very bloody hard.
Start a business blog: 6 easy beginner’s tips
You’ve decided to start a business blog. This is most excellent news. I am beyond thrilled, so much so that I’ve put up the blog-themed bunting. Some years ago, I freelanced for a wedding venue. I thought, why not start a blog? Why not indeed?! That’s a great idea. Sadly, I didn’t have a scooby-doo about long-form content. Believe me…
Your DIY website is crap: 4 ways to un-crap it
Some of us love a DIY website, they’re so easy to build, so cheap and fuss-free… says no one who has tried to build one. Excellent work if your website is really nice. Props to you if it uses the best keywords, has a top copywriter and web designer on the job—well bloody done!
Blog for business: 6 reasons why you should
Blog for business. Seriously? Who the hell is going to read that shit? You might be thinking that and I get it, before I knew how to blog, I felt the same. But plenty of people will read a business blog if it’s worth reading.