The best content writing is like the best sex

If tenuous clickbaity headlines pique your interest—welcome. (But it’s only clickbait if the content doesn’t deliver… and now I’ve set myself up for instant failure.) So how can the best content writing be like the best sex? It’s obvious, really. Ah, what an anticlimax (you’re probably used to those).

I think I got so bored writing articles about content writing that I wanted to spice things up a bit. And that incidentally is what some of us do in the bedroom. I say some, most of us are lying back, wondering if we left the oven on.

We’re all adults here (at least, we should be), and I’m guessing your idea of the best sex is going to vary. I don’t fancy getting into the ins and outs (oo-err) of the finer points (again, oo-err), this is strictly for entertaining storytelling purposes.

Sexual attraction.

Remember that time in Greece when Richard, a fellow holidaymaker, just ‘got you’? (Please feel free to use another name in place of Richard. I like it in this instance because I can shorten it to ‘Dick’.) You laughed at Dick’s jokes, maybe even laughed at his dick jokes. Between the phallic hilarity, he said you were just his sort of sort.

I reckon that’s similar to content writing. No, hear me out, you know when you happen upon a business and their webcopy has you hooked and you’re like, damn, they’re good, or damn, that resonates, and you fall over yourself to consume everything they have to offer coz you cannot get enough. That’s like sexual attraction, that is. Your content is attracting people (or, if it’s mine, grossing them out). And if you’ve done it right, it’s attracting clients. YAY.

The best sex bit.

So here’s the bottom line (fnar fnar), you’re seriously into dick (again, fnar fnar). The air is charged with sexual tension, and after much stimulating conversation (and several glasses of Metaxa), you’re gagging for Dick to please you in all the ways only Dick can…

Blimey.

It’s time to retire to his deluxe double, but not to sleep. After Pringles and miniature bottles of Bell’s whisky have been consumed, the kissing starts. Dick knows what he’s doing. Each considered seduction pulls you closer to that final destination. (That sounds like death. I don’t mean death, or that shit film franchise. You know what destination I’m referring to. Yes, I’m treading a very fine line right now.)

Orgasms are a bit like CTAs.

Sex therapists lie when telling us sex doesn’t have to include an orgasm. For many women who shag men, they’re used to not having them, maybe that’s why they say it, to make them feel seen, or summat. Anyway, there should be an endpoint, a climax to your blogs and landing pages. Your content is doing the business of guiding your readers, via the means of compelling/sexy/titillating copy, which hopefully leads to the big O, AKA Buy My Stuff.

‘Best’ is subjective.

Your content isn’t going to get everyone going; it isn’t Tom Selleck. Let’s take a trip down memory lane to 1970s Britain. Forget about the three-day working week, I’m talking about the sexy seventies.

Say hello to Babs. Now, Babs likes a bubble bath, lit only by the light of stale scented candles (because there’s also no electricity). When her husband Pete isn’t on the picket line, he’s on hand to get her in the mood. He turns her favourite pop hottie, David Soul, on the record player, while dousing himself in Jovan Musk Oil (be careful next to those candles, Pete).

Enter, Kenneth (I beg your pardon). He hates the faffing of foreplay. He has no time to wine and dine. He goes down (steady), The Ox and Ferret, meets with Derek and Shane, scours the public bar for ‘birds’, and when one’s selected, it’s a couple of Babychams then onwards to the car park for a knee-trembler. Literal different strokes for different folks. So I guess the best content writing is like the best sex, whatever ‘best’ means to your audience. I’ll leave it there.

Article first published, 5th June 2024.

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