I want a new retainer client

Retainer client for freelance writer Oxford

Are you my business valentine?

If you think you might be then this is you:

  • You’re tired of crappy business content
  • Your current efforts need burning
  • You want to get serious about strategy
  • You don’t understand SEO

I don’t care what industry you work in.

That isn’t my niche, your brand/business personality is.

As long as you want lively, non-conformist content – I’m your man. And I don’t mean swearing (unless you want me to swear) – I just mean you want to avoid boring business blurb. If words like off-beat, idiosyncratic, individualistic, distinctive, and rebellious get you giddy then we are meant to be together.

Work with me on the regular and we will have a lot of fun.

There will be LOLs aplenty as my new retainer client – I cannot stress enough how many LOLs there will be. And no, I haven’t measured the LOLs on average but lemme tell you – expect a tsunami of hilarity.

You qualify as my retainer client if you have this:

  • A viable small/medium business
  • An appreciation of brilliant content
  • A healthy budget
  • A sense of humour
  • An uncontrollable desire to work with yours truly

What can I do for you?

Apart from being your personal entertainer, I can offer you real, actual work.

I can be your hero, baby (content consultant):

  • Review the quality of your content
  • Assess your content for SEO
  • Create a content strategy

I can wash away your tears (write for you):

  • Provide original content and copy
  • Copyedit and SEO the sh*t outta your current work
  • Research content ideas and keywords 

I can stand by you forever (or for as long as you’d like me to stand by you). If talk of this has made you super excited, great, let’s make sweet content babies together.

What’s this going to cost you?

Let’s be real, I ain’t no cheap date. 

And despite my appearance, I like the finer things in life. But it all depends on this: what do you want from me? You might decide to mix my consultancy work with some writing work. Maybe you’re after a regular blogger. In truth, I’m not fussed.

WARNING: If price is how you judge value, don’t even think about ‘reaching out’. (Same applies if you use the phrase ‘reaching out’.)

How does it work?

We communicate ideas and we discuss them. We devise a cunning plan and we put it into practice. We arrange a regular call to make sure you’re happy. You can brain dump your thoughts (and funny memes) via email or WhatsApp.

Payment, how does that work?

You secure the retainer with one monthly fee. Once paid, I schedule the start of our beautiful relationship. We set up a Direct Debit thereafter. 

What if you hate working with me and want to cancel?

No worries, all I ask is you give me 60 days’ notice. You can read my full terms here.

Here’s what you do next:

Create a brief and include a budget.

Ask yourself these questions: how much content do I want each week/month? What do I want it to do? You also need to give me some idea of the money you have to spend. That way I’ll be able to tell you what I can offer for the budget you have.

Send that to me at info@thesarkytype.com.