Ideal client: that bitch is me

Ideal client

You’re not at all surprised that I am my own ideal client.

To you it’s beyond obvious and yet it comes as quite a revelation to me. Yeah, seriously, I can hardly believe what an idiot I have been.

And what a time-saving hack!

Don’t you see it’s perfect? And for a lazy person (of which I am) it’s positively inspired.

All businesses need content and copy.

I could have chosen to target practically anyone in the entire world.

(So I did, I chose me.)

Some peeps aren’t so lucky. You might be selling a product that only a select need. 

But if you’re like me (lazy and self-centred) you might be your ideal client. 

I know all about me.

I need only ask myself this: what keeps me awake at night?

(I mean, so many things and not fun things, sexy things or things that I’d gladly give up sleep for, no, what keeps me awake at night is wondering if I should change the copy on my homepage for the fiftieth time – and don’t say yes you should!)

Like my ideal client, I want decent content.

The kind of stuff you read and think, yes, this is brilliant, I want to consume all the content this person and/or business has written. 

My perfect customer (get ready for another vomit-inducing marketing phrase), has the pain point of not having content that is scrummy to devour. 

Currently, what they have is the same as most other B2B brands. And that is dull, tired, clichéd verbiage that does naff all for their audience. 

Are you me?

Not completely me but are you like me in the ways of business?

I know what you’re thinking – what is this, some kind of fun game? Or is she touting for business?

Ok, I have a confession (I have many but no one has that kind of time): everything I do for The Sarky Type is me touting for business.

Fancy some role-play?

SURE YOU DO.

Imagine you’re sitting with me in a classy, beautifully lit hotel bar.

Somewhere a piano is playing (not by itself – it’s not a pianola – this isn’t an East End boozer).

We’re having a little chat, a sort of low-key interview – nothing for you to get nervous about, it’s a very casual work-related conversation.

We have snacks.

(Snacks I said.) 

Tea and coffee but alcohol is available (thank Christ for that).

And so we begin…

“I appreciate you meeting with me.” 

(You nod, looking very grateful for the opportunity.) 

“So, let’s see if you’re eligible to be my ideal client. I notice from your file that you love sarky humour and swearing, can you tell me more about that?”

You adjust your collar and respond: “For me, life without LOLs would be awful. I love laughing, especially at inappropriate things.”

I’m smiling in quiet agreement.

“And the swearing, Tony?”

(You may not be called Tony. I like to use a name though and I like to throw it in mid convo. Creeps some people out but I love it when my name is used during a chat.)

“I do love me some swears, Sarah” (see what I mean? Perfect client right there). “We don’t need to swear do we but we also don’t need art and chocolate. And in my view, the most interesting things in life are not necessities.”

Again, I agree with you and go on to ask: “It says here that you enjoy B2B marketing that is different, what do you mean by that?”

You take a sip of coffee (hoping the booze comes sooner rather than later) and continue…

“Businesses selling to other businesses have other things to consider than say a single consumer – I get that but I don’t understand why B2B marketing has to be so fucking terrible. And that’s where I feel you come in.”

“That’s very kind of you to say, Tony.” I glance at my list and as I do you ask: “Can we order cocktails? It’s five o’clock somewhere, right?”

I point to the drinks menu and take a furtive look at my watch: it’s ten in the morning here.

“You’ve answered yes to question three, can you expand on what you consider to be a ‘direct approach’?”

“Of course. I really don’t like faffing. If I want to hire someone, I have all the info at the ready before I make contact. I value your time as much as my own and if I don’t have a budget for the work, I wouldn’t dream of contacting you.”

It’s no surprise that I agree with that statement too because I am you and you are me. 

No, this isn’t a real conversation.

But as I’m having so much fun (and as you’re me, you are too) I will keep this up a little while longer.

Our cocktails arrive. 

You’ve gone for an old fashioned which is my subconscious wanting a date with Don Draper.

(Some clarity: there are those that feel Draper is a problematic character in these post-feminist times. And he is but Mad Men is a period piece and the mid-century styling is amazing also – the script is fabulous.)

I sip my desert-dry Martini and peek at what’s next.

“You accept the process. What does that mean?”

“I never question your methods, Sarah.” Again I’m nodding. “I do exactly what you ask. Otherwise, you can’t do your job. And I’m petrified you might cause me physical harm if I don’t.”

“You’re joking, of course.”

You laugh nervously “Yes, obviously” and quickly finish your cocktail.

But seriously…

We’re here for a good time, not a long time, yeah?

This is what it means to have fun with your content, right? RIGHT? 

I dunno, I think I’m having fun. 

I can’t actually remember the last time I experienced jollification but I’m sure it has happened.

You might kinda nearly be my ideal client but without the daytime drinking.

Look, I don’t want to be rude but you’ve been around the block – just like me – a forty-something business owner (still looking smokin’ hot, obvs) that shares the same cultural references (unlike younger millennials and gen z).

So my question to you is this: are you my ideal client? If you’re still not sure why not read this and find out.

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