The Sarky Type – content with more bite

Great content writing AND sex?

I know I’m on such thin ice with you. If you’ve subscribed to my regular SEO content writing tips, you might be waiting for an excuse to unsubscribe. You don’t need one, if you hate how I write, please do us both a favour and leave.

Great content writing and sexual attraction.

Remember that time when Richard just ‘got you’?

(Please feel free to use another name in place of ‘Richard’. I like it in this instance because you can shorten it to ‘Dick’.)

Dick was all about pleasing you.

He made you feel so damn good and each seductive thing he did, pulled you closer to that final destination…

(That sounds like death. I’m not talking about death, nor that terrible film franchise. We all know what destination I’m referring to.)

In business writing, the destination is a call to action (CTA).

That could mean guiding your audience to a blog sign up, your product page or yeah, you get the picture. Writing words, all jazzed up (I know you read that as ‘jizzed’ up) in their best frock, to get prospects going, is what the CTA thang is about.

But, it won’t get everyone going.

Great content writing

Your sensual, erotic writing will stimulate your preferred audience only.

(Are you getting fed up with all this ‘sex’ talk yet? No? Good, I’ll continue.)

Barbara likes to begin with a warm bath, lit only by the light of scented candles. She loves it when Pete puts on some David Soul, along with some Jovan Musk.

Ken (I’m sticking with the 70s theme) loves to just get on with it. He hates all that mucking about with romance. He goes down the pub, picks up a ‘bird’, buys her a Babycham (if she’s lucky) and then it’s back to his for 20 minutes of ‘fun’.

If they lust after your content, you’ve pulled.

But your style, your humour, and your business approach will not be for everyone.

Once you realise that, you’ll start to relax and stop trying to please shit loads of prospects.

I bang on about writing for your ideal client, I do, but not to the detriment of your personality. You can tone down being you, dampen your idiosyncratic ways but you won’t be very happy. If you’re not providing the type of great content writing for your business that you like to create, who cares who likes it?

You will be miserable. You’ll take to drink and probably start seeing prostitutes to fill that emotional void.

(You probably won’t do that, I mean I did, but after lots of therapy – I’m through the worst of it.)

It doesn’t matter what industry my prospects work in, the ideal client bit for me, means they have a keen sense of irony, find me hilarious and are minted (looking smokin’ hot is a bonus).

So before you think about what your ideal client likes to engage with, think about what you like to write. All this is fundamental to your brand voice, ethos, values, (vomits into bag).

I spoke to this guy once (not all men are petrified of me – and yes, only once) and he said he couldn’t write content for himself. He struggled to be who he was, in his business. I think many people worry about that too and they fear judgement (judgement that is nearly always from people who will never buy from you).

I hate to break it to you but there are already people that don’t like you. I can provide you with a list of people that despise me.

Once you start producing the content you want, there will be people that will avoid engaging with it. You should be very proud of that because it means you have something distinctive to offer.

And the rest? Fuck ’em.

If you have a bangin’ personality but you can’t translate that to your content, take a look at what I do.


There are probably more than 4 reasons not to hire an SEO content writer – correction: there are more than 4 reasons not to hire me. And if you want to know them all, check this blog post out.

I hope, by now, you understand that content is your best friend in terms of organic traffic.

And SEO content writing is all about getting your stuff seen on the web. Not only are these masters of the art great with words, they know how to boost brilliant copy from an SEO perspective.

If you have no clue about all this, do keep up or read My Blog.

Despite my attempts to educate you, you might still shout, nay, scream “up yours, you harridan!” or some other gender-specific insult.

If that is you – you’re gonna love this post, well, some of it.

So here are the reasons not to hire an SEO content writer (me).

1. You enjoy being invisible.

If you have taken the time to build a mediocre, DIY website, with no knowledge of SEO then you’ll be enjoying the benefits of invisibility already.

If that’s what you wanted from being online then good for you, you really have excelled in your quest for internet anonymity. I strongly suggest you dismiss anything content-related, and under no circumstances should you blog, that will lead to a significant increase in organic traffic.

Invisibility, as a superpower, is probably the one most of us would want. I’m as unoriginal as the rest of you, I like the idea of not being seen, especially if I can nose in on someone’s life and scare the shit out of them. Amusing as it might be to watch my neighbour have a mental breakdown as I hurl plates around his head, invisibility isn’t beneficial in a business sense. 

2. You don’t give a shit about your audience.

You’re a maverick, you’re the best in your field (probably).

You have zero time for people who aren’t as brilliant as you. Your website and online profiles are a shrine to your brilliance. Their sole purpose is for prospects to worship at the altar of you.

When your audience isn’t a priority, you can focus on content that talks about your 20th industry award, how sexy you look in a suit, and blah, blah – I’m gonna throw up.

I care about the quality of my content and how it benefits you, my audience.

I’m keenly focused on letting you know about what I do and how it helps you (or makes you laugh – or both). I want to leave no room for ambiguity. You should have a clear idea about me and my product. But more importantly, how that translates to your business. If nothing I do is clear to you, I need to go back to sploshing for a living.

3. You don’t want to sell your services. 

Going back to that DIY website you’ve built (nice job by the way – loving the talking in the third-person). You might be selling stuff on your site but you don’t want anyone to know that you are. That’s why the invisible website works so well.

(That was sarcasm, sometimes I have to tell people it’s happening.)

Great content writing sells that thing you do without your prospects feeling like they’re being sold to.

But SEO content writing gets them to your site first – before you wow them with your offering. How? By consistent, tip-top, client-focused, SEO-sexy, helpful content that drives organic traffic to your site.

If it feels like I’m repeating myself it’s because I am.

Once there, you can make prospects see that what you’ve got going on is something to behold. And if your website is easy (like my mate Dave after a few Campari’s) well, you know what, those bitches will convert. But WORDS do that, not semaphore or interpretive dance. 

4. You hate SEO content writers.

You might be the kind that likes to hate-read my content.

Maybe you LOVE hate-reading my content. I get it, some people are just so annoying you have to read what bollocks they’ve published. You crack on with whatever tickles your cherry.

I’m a fairly polarising character.

It wasn’t a marketing plan, this is how I am in real actual life, all I did was decide to see it as an advantage instead of trying to fit some professional, business mould. You don’t have to like me to work with me but you’re much more likely to want to if you see me as a kindred spirit.

And do you really want to do business with someone you can’t stand? Sounds fucking awful to me.

You might also hate my sense of humour.

For example, Pam has clear ideas about what she thinks is appropriate in a business.

In her eyes, there’s no room for inventive imaginative content, relaxed emails, and silly DMs. Although she knows fuck all about being funny, she feels it’s inappropriate. And when humour is used in business copy Pam says: “not everyone will get it and that could mean losing a lead”.

K, Pam.

Yeah, you know what, using your brand of funny might get lost in the translation with some of your audience but then, they’re not your audience. If you’re trying to please everyone because you think that means more eyes on your product, you’re a goddam fool.

And I pity the fool.

You might want to know about my services and how they benefit you and your business. I suggest you take a look.


Most business folks I speak to rarely have a writing style guide. They don’t usually know what one is.

In short, it’s a writing standard by which an organisation communicates it’s message.

Some companies use more than one copywriter. Global brands, for example, need to make sure their copy looks and sounds the same. An organisation that uses specific, technical language will be making sure their business writing is just so. Both will almost certainly have a document that details how they present their business. 

Do you need a writing style guide?

I think you do and I don’t care if you’re a freelancer or small business owner. When you outsource your writing to a professional, it saves a lot of time if they know how you like to do things. In reality, most smaller businesses don’t have one (and often their copy is all over the show).

Developing a style guide is bloody useful.

And I’m about to blow your mind with how useful it is: your copy will look professional, more polished, and demonstrate that you’re a company to do business with.

Words are powerful. They either have a positive or negative impact. If your copy has no cohesion, no brand standard, it leaves a bad impression.

Back to basics.

Before you write a damn thing, ask yourself the following:

  • Who are you?
  • Who are you writing for?
  • What are you writing about?

You need to know who you are as a business. What your values are and how they define how you sell a product or service. And who are you selling to? How does that influence how your write your business content?

If you can easily answer the above questions but many will need to nail that shit down before they can create a writing style guide.


This word comes up time and time again.

Many things in life can be achieved if only you’re consistent. The same goes for business. Think of this as the umbrella that stands over all the other stuff I’m going to talk about. If you don’t have writing style guide, your inconsistencies will be as noticeable as large chin wart.

Intellectual property.

I’m referring to your company logo and business slogan.

You will have very clear ideas (or you should) about how these things are written down. If this isn’t (you guessed it) consistent, it will stick out like the proverbial sore thumb.


Everyone who’s publishing online as a business, has a tone.

Even if it’s neutral that’s still classed as a tone. And many businesses that write for academic or legal purposes often have to use that style of writing.

But what about your business? Are you conversational in tone, do you readily use contractions and begin a sentence with ‘and’? This should reflect the way you communicate with your customers, and more importantly, the kind of clients you’re trying to attract.

Grammar, capitalisation, and punctuation.

But isn’t there one, universal way to write all this?

Sadly, no.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that all dictionaries agree either – they don’t. And what if you’re a UK based company but your clients are in America? Will you write using American-English or English-English? (Joke for the Americans there.) Language evolves and changes. Go and read The Canterbury Tales in its original Middle English to see just how much it’s changed.

Take a look at this lot:

Example 1:

Words that can be written in different ways: eBook, Ebook or e-book

Example 2:

How you format headings: How To Write For Your Brand By Creating A Writing Style Guide or How to write for your brand by creating a Writing Style Guide

Example 3:

How you write direct speech: Sam said “I sure hope we get out of this alive” or Sam said ‘I sure hope we get out of this alive’


This is getting tense but I’m talking about the past, present and future. For many of us it’s something we do without much thought but next time you write, take a look when you’re setting the tense and is it – you guessed it, consistent?


When we write we write from a viewpoint:

  • First-person: choosing ‘I’ or ‘we’
  • Second-person: taking on the viewpoint of the narrator, using ‘you’ or ‘your’
  • Third-person: writing about yourself as if you were someone else ‘Sarah has 20 years business support experience’ or ‘Blue Sky Thinking advertising agency was founded in 2004 by Robert Smith’

Business dictionary.

Create a document with words you prefer to use when describing you and your business. You could pop in things like how you want the date to be written and include words that don’t reflect your business.

I had a client who didn’t like the word ‘passionate’ when describing how he felt about his business. He thought it was a word that was overused. How did I find that out? I used it in the first draft of his website copy. There’s an example of why having a writing style guide is very useful.

That’s it.

I think that’s probably enough, you can always add and build on this. It’s a really good exercise to give your brand a little cohesion. You’re welcome!

Take a look at my blog which has more helpful stuff about blogging and content writing for your business. If you want to know how I can help you, hit the button.