5 Reasons not to hire me: your oddball SEO Content Writer

You and I both know there are way more than 5 reasons.

I hope, by now, you understand content is your best friend in terms of organic traffic, and SEO (Search Engine Optimisation) content writers are expert at getting your stuff seen on the web. Not only are they great at stringing a sentence together but they know how to boost your words from an SEO perspective. If you have no clue about all this, do keep up or read My Blog. It’s enriching and ‘inspiring’.

Despite my attempts to educate you, you might still shout, nay, scream “up yours, you harridan!” or some other gender-specific insult, “I care not for your SEO bullshit, I write my own words and need no help from you!”

If that is you – you’re gonna love this post, well, some of it. So, here’s why you shouldn’t hire me:

1 You enjoy being invisible

If you have taken the time to build a mediocre, DIY website, with no knowledge of SEO then you’ll be enjoying the ‘benefits’ of invisibility already. If that’s what you wanted from being online then good for you, you really have excelled in your quest to internet anonymity. I strongly suggest you dismiss anything content-related, and under no circumstances should you blog, that will lead to a significant increase in organic traffic.

When I read those wanky posts about superpowers, shocking though they are, I do have some ideas on what superpower I would like, two in fact. One is flying—so unoriginal, and the other is invisibility (again, really fucking prosaic). I like the idea of not being seen, especially if I can nose in on someone’s life and scare the shit out of them by moving stuff. Amusing as it might be to watch my neighbour have a mental breakdown as I hurl plates around his head, invisibility isn’t very beneficial in a business sense. 

2 You don’t give a shit about your audience

You’re a maverick, you’re the best in your field (probably). You have zero time for people who aren’t as brilliant as you. Your website, and online profiles are a shrine to your brilliance. Their sole purpose is for prospects to worship at the altar of you. When your audience doesn’t even feature on your list of priorities, you can write content that talks about your 20th industry award and what makes YOU such a good blah, blah–I’m gonna throw up.

It may come as a surprise to some, that I care about the quality of my content, and how it benefits you, my audience. I’m keenly focused on letting you know about what I do and how it helps you, or makes you laugh–or both. What I want to do is leave no room for ambiguity. You should have a clear idea about me and my product. But more importantly how that translates to your business. If it doesn’t then I need to go back to Sploshing for a living and what a messy living that was, still have the custard stains on the carpet. 

3 You don’t want to sell your services 

Going back to that DIY website you’ve built (nice job, by the way–loving the talking in the third-person), you probably have things on there that you can do for people but you don’t want anyone to know about them. That’s why the invisible website works so well, I mean it was free so you haven’t lost any money, so no reason to make any money.

Great content writing sells that thing you do without your prospects feeling like they’re being sold to. But SEO content writing gets them to your site first before you can wow them with your offering. How? By consistent, tip-top, client-focused, SEO-sexy, helpful content that drives organic traffic to your site. If it feels like I’m repeating myself it’s because I am.

Once there, you can make prospects see that what you’ve got going on is something they need. And if your buying process is simple, and your rates transparent, well, you know what, those bitches will convert. But WORDS do that, not semaphore or interpretive dance. 

4 You hate SEO Content Writers, namely – me

You may have been hate-reading my content. You could even LOVE to hate-read my content. It brings some sort of satisfaction or ‘release’ (gross). Signing up to this monthly shit is actually becoming a highlight. Improved further perhaps by how much you despise me as a person–a person you don’t know, still, you’ve made some story up about who I am and you’re sticking with that.

I’m a fairly polarising character, I get that. Oddly it wasn’t intentional, it wasn’t a marketing plan, this is how I am in life, all I did was decide to see it as an advantage instead of trying to fit some professional, business mould. That does sound intentional. You don’t have to like me to work with me, but you’re much more likely to get in touch if you see me as a kindred spirit. If you’re reading this now, I think we know that’s probably true.

5 You have no discernable sense of humour

Pam has clear ideas about what she thinks is appropriate in business. There is no room for inventive, imaginative content and she takes a dim view of humour. Although she knows fuck all about it, she’s heard that not every prospect will ‘get it’ and that could lead to losing a lead. Not everyone shares the same sense of humour, or like Pam, has one. 

Pam is an incredibly fun person to be around, in truth, she’s a very tortured soul, whose only outlet for human contact is dogging at the weekend. But that’s for another time and another unprofessional business post

Yeah, you know what, using your brand of funny might get lost in the translation with some of your audience. But then, they’re not your audience. If you’re trying to appease (and not offend) anyone because you think that means more eyes on your product then you’re a goddamn fool.

And I pity the fool.

You might want to know about my services and how they benefit you and your business. I suggest you take a look:


  1. I have a deep love of popular culture, and that’s fairly modern for me! Thank you! I need to check your blog out.

  2. Stardreamer says:

    Omg! Too funny! You do not look old enough to know the A-team…😏 But it is so refreshing to see someone who is not afraid to cuss….never understood why people get so easily defended these days…

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